First off, I realize I have not sat down and chatted for some time. I have to apologize, it is not because I don't miss this time, it is simply because my tiny life, has been overloaded, and I just haven't been able to get in the mood to pick any one subject to rant about.
However, when sh*t hits in fan in one's life, a person must find something positive to fixate upon, to help carry them through. There are only two constants that are positive in my life, family and friends. Today I must, once again, write about my friends. I suppose to some, it may sound like bragging, and to those, I am very sorry. I am sorry you have not had the gift of true friends. We all have "friends", however, not everyone is as lucky as me, and has those golden people, who never fade, and shine forever.
Some friends fade in and out. Not sure what you would call those folks, I think the word "friend" is just a little to liberal for those, they should be , perhaps, acquaintances? Sometimes they are nice and shiny, but, they can turn all brassy when least expected. There are tons of those floating about. Unlike friends, you have to be on the look out around these folks. Maybe they feel they have so many friends, if necessary you are expendable? Maybe they think that you are so desperate that, if for a moment, they forget friendship, and set you aside, just for a little while, you will close your eyes, and pretend, and then pick up where you left off?Maybe they feel they are so special, you will forgive anything, because you are so lucky to have them ,when they feel fit to allow you in their life? See, I have met many of those brassy folks, and sadly, those friendships are far too costly, there is no personal pleasure, and generally, a whole chunk of heartache.
I often think I have become jaded. I trust very few, most of the time I state, I trust no one, but I realize, that is a false statement. I trust the man I have given my heart to, and...I trust my golden friends.
As I was sitting and thinking(instead of shampooing my bedroom carpet), maybe I finally see the constant that makes some friends golden. I am going to share this with all of you, and perhaps, my theory is correct?
I have had friends that have been in my heart for 40-50+ years. I have friends who just found a piece of my heart in the past few years. Those are the people I examined (not probed). Have I been hurt by these folks over all the years? Yep!! However, the hurt I experienced was not directed at me, the hurt was always a loss of their presence. Friends married, and left, friends took jobs that required them to move. Friends had families that took all the time they had, and then some. But, not a single one of those Golden people ever decided ,they would set out to hurt me, personally.
I guess I have closed my eyes, sometimes, with these amazing people, but when I close my eyes, all I want, is to open them, and see their faces in front of me, again. Hey, I do this often, and those faces shine clear and bright. Some of them are always 6 years old, some are 16, and there are the few scattered folks who came along later, that are a tad older. I love those faces! Those faces, like my family, make all the sh*t in the world, smell a bit better.
The brassy ones, well, that pain always twinges. It is, I suppose, a chronic pain, it will always be there. To open one's heart, and hand over all that makes a person who they are, and to have another feel you are not worthy, is a pretty hard life lesson. Friendship is, in truth, romance. It is acceptance of another persons faults, and favours. It is a lifetime commitment. It is not something done, without the understanding that it will not always be perfect. However, the treasure of a true friend is beyond any, one could imagine. They will shine when you need it most. A smile, a touch, a note, can bring comfort, when it seems nothing will fix life.
So, I suppose, I do trust some. I trust those who hurt, only when they are not close, and the rest, well, although I have always enjoyed polishing silver to make it shine, there is not enough Brasso, or enough time to waste, trying to make gold out of brass.
Thank you to all those incredible shining people, who have wandered into my life, to stay till the fat lady sings!