Favourite Books

  • The Green Mile
  • Animal Farm
  • Lord of the Flies
  • Lord of the Rings
  • To Kill a Mockingbird

Thursday, 15 June 2017

Life Change

  Note the title..it says Life Change..not Change of Life..LOL..although I could indeed go into the second issue, with tons of experience.
  Yes..I have been in the process of dealing with a massive life change. Who would imagine at 60, suddenly one would take a 60 degree turn, and have to learn a sh*tload of new tricks? I admit, I have not become any quicker at learning new things since I was in elementary school, quite the opposite, I find I need to write everything down, and follow a check list. But..hey..I love checklists..because one can watch the end getting closer, and feel a sense of accomplishment as those little check marks grow in number.
  So..I won't go into detail on my new position, except to say, once again, it requires a mop and water! WTF?? Back in the day, did I ever , for once , imagine my life would suddenly become a series of cleaning jobs? Geez..when I think back to my childhood bedroom, I can say with total confidence, my Mother would never have imagined me getting paid to clean!! We don't even have to go that far back in time..stop by the house..place is a constant disaster..perhaps because there is no pay cheque involved? Hey..I do try, however living in a place, constantly with others..and...4 flipping dogs, is a whole lot different than an 8 hour cleaning bash.
  So, my previous job taught me a whole lot. It was one of the hardest learning experiences in any work place I have had the "pleasure" of belonging to. That job actually burned me out, and badly! Somehow I took on responsibility that should have been left with my employers. That job became my whole damn life! I covered my own job and more than often, duties of many others. Now the burn out..well it didn't come as a shock, something like that hands out a whole whack of warnings. But, like most folks, I just assumed I was immune to things like this, because I knew the symptoms. Knowing those, and accepting them, are two different things..I didn't ignore them, I just figured I could manage. I couldn't!
  The burn out was not just physical, it was majorly mental..and I have stated more than once, I am a tad shakey when it comes to depression, burnout sent me right down the toilet! I tried to do everything in my power to halt this, I poured my soul out to my employer, explaining if I had to continue the way things were, I was not capable, but..that fell on deaf ears..I did say "NO", but wasn't heard. I was left with no recourse but to walk away..actually run very far away, because I knew if I didn't go far enough, somehow I would have been dragged back.
  The reason I write this, is because I am flabbergasted at how much this affected me. I am an old biddy!! In my lifetime I have done more than a few jobs that were not pleasant, but, I came away from them with experience, and picked up bits and pieces that have helped me through other jobs.This" Burn out", has in fact scared the crap right out of me!! It showed me that no matter what I assume I am capable of, there are limits, and if I surpass those limits, there is a huge price.
  Perhaps the price is so high, because I am older? Perhaps I was not aware that I can no longer do near as much as I did when I was 40? Well, thing is, if I pushed myself, I could indeed do it, however, if I did this continually, absolutely every part of my being would revolt. I imagine the fact that I was living alone with only a couple of dogs and an amazing friend that would constantly check on me, and a partner that would "listen" to the continual sob stories over the phone, was probably a good thing. I was no longer able to deal with people..I just didn't want to have to expend energy on anything , because I needed it all for my job. I hated everything, and everyone, including myself! Funny, I should have had the control to walk away much sooner, but life works in mysterious ways, and in my case, I kind of sort of, needed that income, and jobs in that locale were few and far between.
  So, clearly I made it out of that alive, but, surprise, the scars of that job will never go away. I told myself, I was past full-time, so casual was the way to go. How wonderful, maybe work a day here, a day there, some money in my pocket, and desperately needed social interaction. I went into this with the mindset not to repeat my mistakes. Hah! Clearly I have not learned quite how to say NO out loud, so people actually hear..including myself! I find myself falling right back into the habit of accepting way too much on my plate, and then hating myself. Not only do I hate myself, that which I call me, revolts, and I scare myself. I am so frightened of "Burn out" and see the symptoms once again, yet, I keep putting myself right in the middle of that road.
  I am getting old! I know it, I see it (vividly) and I feel it. I just have not quite learned to acknowledge it completely. I simply cannot do now, what I did 20 years ago..crap..even 10 years ago! My work ethics that were ingrained in me, to do my best, have got to get a touch up. I have new limits, and I am going to have to write up my very own check list, and when I put the required checks all the way to the bottom of the list, I have got to learn to put the list down, and step away.
  For the rest of my working life, that Burn out will forever haunt me. It is much like the time I got lost in the bush with my son, when he was very young. The experience is burned into my mind, and not every one has gotten lost, nor have they ever experience work place burn out, but, trust me...both affect one's life massively.
  If you ever get to a place that your job causes you continual depression, and I mean continual, when your job becomes what controls your whole life, and you absolutely dread each day. when you leave your work place, and can think of nothing but, how you are going to manage going in the next day. When you feel totally used up, and abused, be afraid. Because now when I feel worn out at the end of a day, and wonder if I have enough to complete another, even though it is very easy for me to say NO, at this new job (still learning my limits) I am scared sh*tless. Mostly I am scared that my previous job has damaged me so much, I am no longer capable of working like a normal person. The price I paid for that job, was life changing..I just hope I learned my lesson..only time will tell, I guess. So..wish me luck..everyone likes Casual..LOL